Dear Eric:
When my only son and his wife got married and had children, I was informed that Christmas Day would be for their family only. I agreed. For decades, I have given my son, his wife, and their two children very generous Christmas gifts, totaling hundreds of dollars. In return, I would receive small, homemade gifts like a bottle of vanilla, rose-scented salve, or a coffee cup. My birthdays were similar. I have never received a gift from my grandchildren.
Last year, I told them I would no longer exchange gifts with the adults, but would continue giving gifts to my grandchildren (who are now teenagers with jobs). I bought them electronics and hoodies. I received nothing in return—not even an acknowledgment. I always have to deliver the gifts myself or call to check if they arrived. This year, I’m only sending a Christmas card. Am I being overly sensitive?
– Empty Stocking
Dear Stocking:
No, you are not being overly sensitive. Every family has its own traditions and no one is obligated to give or receive gifts. However, it’s understandable that you’re saddened by the lack of reciprocation for your generous gestures.
Part of the problem may be a mismatch in expectations. Your gifts have been very generous, and your son and daughter-in-law might have different gifting values or preferences that haven’t been communicated. They should be upfront about this. Similarly, when you stopped giving gifts to the adults, did you expect your son to recognize your feelings and change his approach?
It’s worth discussing this, but focus on the underlying need. I suspect you crave connection and perhaps an invitation to the family Christmas. Gift-giving was your way of showing love from afar, and it’s painful when it isn’t reciprocated. But perhaps the tradition of gifts itself is hindering both sides. Consider asking for what you really want: an invitation to share Christmas with your family or finding an alternative way to celebrate together. That would be the best gift of all.
Stories by R. Eric Thomas
(The remainder of the original text, including the “Asking Eric” section, is unchanged and can be appended here.)