Approaching disagreements with respect and curiosity can deepen our connections with even difficult relatives. The Christmas period has always tested our ability to spend time with those to whom we may be biologically related, but struggle to relate to philosophically. Divisive world events, such as the US election, exacerbate this, with family relationships increasingly becoming casualties of stark political differences. As a researcher focusing on family estrangement, I know how challenging it can be to maintain goodwill during these times.
Take Alexis, a gay man from rural California, who is planning to attend a large Christmas gathering with over 20 predominantly Republican and Trump-supporting relatives. He struggles with the political discussions that often arise, feeling that his relatives disregard how their votes impact his rights. Previous attempts to establish boundaries haven’t been effective; the political conversations inevitably occur, sometimes fueled by those seeking to provoke a reaction.
Research on estranged family relationships is still nascent. The lack of longitudinal studies hinders our understanding of this phenomenon’s development over time. However, we know millions of families worldwide experience estrangement, with one in five British families and half of US adults reporting estrangement from a close relative, a significant portion (two in five) directly attributed to political differences.
Therapists like Karen Stockham play a crucial role in helping individuals navigate family discord. Stockham suggests that part of the issue stems from our need for family members to validate our values, fostering a sense of belonging.
Jeff, a liberal data scientist from London raised in a highly conservative family, experienced frequent political outbursts. He recalls feeling pressured to conform to his father’s views but, as he matured, he began to challenge them, often leading to escalating arguments. However, over the years, Christmas gatherings have become less tense, thanks partly to other family members who diffused situations with humor and encouraged more moderate language.
Conflict is inherent in human relationships, but tools exist to manage contentious conversations. Stockham emphasizes self-awareness and strategic techniques. For example, directing the conversation towards the other person’s life can deflect from heated political topics. Recognizing personal emotional escalation and disengaging when needed is equally crucial.
This year, Alexis has devised an exit strategy with supportive relatives and will attend with a friend, leaving if conversations become unmanageable. Despite his apprehension, he feels compelled to attend due to a recent family bereavement, prioritizing support over political division.
Showing up for family often outweighs personal anxieties. While societal expectations often pressure individuals to maintain festive cheer, it’s equally valid to avoid situations where one feels bullied or marginalized for their beliefs. Ideally, managing disagreements with respect and curiosity can deepen family connections and foster a new kind of validation, but this requires effort from all parties involved.
Becca Bland is a journalist and researcher specializing in family estrangement and social policy.