Dear Eric:
A recent letter about birthday gifts sent to children resonated with me. As a parent, I faced a similar dilemma. Growing up, my siblings and I never exchanged gifts with our numerous cousins, primarily due to financial constraints. It wasn’t a family tradition, and we remain on good terms with all of them. My husband had a similar upbringing, with no cousin gift-giving tradition.
However, when we became parents, some siblings began sending small checks to our children for their birthdays. Naturally, we felt pressured to reciprocate. We attempted to keep up, but after a few years, we opted out of a tradition we never embraced; it was too expensive. I explained our reasons without excessive detail. The cards and checks ceased. Years later, while we’re financially stable, I wouldn’t change my decision. Despite this, I still encounter occasional subtle jabs or whispers from family about the lack of reciprocated cards – remarks clearly intended to hurt and shame. This reveals a startling lack of understanding. If excessive gift-giving leads to this, I believe I made the right choice.
– Wish It Was Otherwise
Dear Wish:
I’m glad it worked out for you. This is a frustrating situation for many. Gifts should never replace genuine relationships or communication. Money can communicate, but often unclearly, so clarity is essential. Gifts and cards can be tokens of appreciation, but their value isn’t directly exchangeable. When family and friends treat gifts like commodities on a stock exchange, or feelings are hurt due to unmet expectations, it’s time to pause and ask: “What kind of relationship are we truly aiming for, and how can we foster that connection directly?”
Dear Eric:
I wanted to offer support to “Used to be Dad,” the gay dad whose teenage son changed his name in his phone contacts. As a married gay man with three teen sons adopted from foster care, I understand. We tried “Dad X” and “Dad Y” using initials, but it didn’t work. Ultimately, we both became simply “Dad.” If both dads are present when a question arises, one of us answers. If the son wants the other dad, they’ll specify “I meant Other Dad,” or use our given names. The love remains, and the phone contact names are ultimately unimportant.
– Dad, and/or Other Dad Sometimes
Dear Dad:
This is valuable advice applicable to numerous situations. Often, it’s not the name but the relationship and feelings that matter most.