Dear Eric,
I’ve been friends with “Steven” for 40 years. We’ve had brief romantic encounters when single, but always returned to a platonic friendship. We live in different states and haven’t seen each other in 15 years, speaking on the phone about once a month—a frequency that suits me.
However, Steven persistently pushes for a visit, even offering to pay for a mini-vacation. Fifteen years is a long time, and health issues—injuries and illnesses—have significantly changed me. Medication has caused significant weight gain; I’m now 100 pounds heavier than when he last saw me, and I’m deeply embarrassed about him seeing me like this. I’ve alluded to my weight gain and mobility issues, but he ignores these comments and continues to press for a visit, prompting me to make excuses. I fear he’ll simply show up unannounced. How can I explain my reluctance without insulting him or jeopardizing our friendship?
—Hiding the Truth
Dear Truth,
Steven might misinterpret your resistance as insecurity, believing his insistence is supportive. While well-intentioned, you’re not obligated to accept his persistence if you genuinely don’t want to see him. Feeling constantly threatened by an uninvited visit undermines the security of your friendship. Direct and firm communication about your boundaries is crucial. Don’t make excuses or engage in debate. Simply tell him, “I appreciate you and our phone calls, but I don’t want to visit. I know you’d like to, but as my friend, can you respect my wishes?”
If he disregards your boundaries, he’s not the good friend he believes himself to be. A friend who cannot or will not respect boundaries actively undermines the friendship.
Regardless of Steven’s desires, your comfort and self-worth are paramount. You are no less valuable as a friend or a person because your body has changed. Consider seeking support from a counselor or body image/acceptance support group. Ensure the group’s values align with yours; some prioritize changing individuals rather than alleviating shame. Do this for yourself, not for Steven, because you deserve it.